Fearless

I figured out how I could embody my future self. (Read below post for the thoughts behind the image.)

My Future Self According to Radiohead, Donne and Rilke

It's been a year since my post on my future self with the 2009 Awakening Creativity Workshop. This year, I'm attacking a deeper issue at hand- my fear of dying alone (and young). For my future self, I think I'm just going to dress in a beautiful vintage dress and hold some of my vintage luggage- since a lot of this fear is coming up with my issues with flying. Plus, I want to be adventurous- in whatever way that looks like in relation to how God made me. I'm a pretty big nester, and I really love knowing my neighborhoods and getting to know and love those around me- so I can't see myself constantly moving and recreating community wherever I go. But even in the small details, I want to be fearless in the sense of not in every moment wondering if it's going to be my last. Anyways, one of our other exercises is art as therapy, so I thought I'd write a song, since I've never tried that before and it would be a lot easier to record on video than a painted canvas with paper cutouts (my favorite). This song came to mind with the lyrical content, and as I began to really read the lyrics, I realized it what I desire most.


"Videotape" By Radiohead (off of In Rainbows)

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
My videotape
My videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here in
Red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
So I'm talking to you before
No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know
Today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen



I want to say goodbye now, so that when I go, I have said goodbye. No loose ends, no regrets, nothing holding me back. It's like in Before Sunrise, when the pair say goodbye halfway through their time together, so they don't have to do it in the end.

I don't want to be afraid, no matter what happens.

I want God to be my center when I spin out of control (have anxiety). There's this amazing poem ("A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning") by John Donne, where he describes his lover as the anchoring leg of a compass:
"As stiff twin compasses are two:
Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if the other do;

And though it in the center sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
[...]

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like the other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun."


This same center imagery reminds me of one of my top 2 favorite Rilke poems (1,17- which I named my poetry blog from):
You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure you encompass more

That last little italicization was more me just being punny than serious. I know there are "Jesus be the center" lyrics, but honestly I have so many walls up between me and worship music, that it is a lot more sincere (to me) to have Thom, John and Rainer show me what God desires for me.

I'm not really sure how a photo can show God being my center, but I can at least show me as fearless, with the understanding that I am fearless because God is my center when I spin away. Thanks Thom for writing such beautiful lyrics. I'm not quite sure how you'd feel knowing that God is using you to encourage me in my Christian spirituality, but thank you.

Rest in Peace: JD Salinger

I will forever be indebted to your words. You are my favorite writer.

Taking a Chance

(by Jenny Hart)

Part of our creativity workshop's mantra is "to risk making beauty". Last week's session was all about taking a chance to make beauty. I led the group in an improve excercise (to the dismay of a few participants), which turned out to be quite successful. As soon as we begin to abandon the obsession with how we appear to those around us, we are able to really take that step, that risk. To make BEAUTY. One of the dismayed participants ended up being the FUNNIEST improviser. It's amazing that as soon as we take that first step, that all that built up/fear/anxiety was hyperbolized in our mind.

This past year I've been trying to work on my self confidence. I took the risk to stop being a doormat/people pleaser, while still loving those around me and found that those around me still love. It's amazing how much more fully I can love people, after making sure I'm resting and working on myself. The whole log in the eye parable comes to mind. One night, I just didn't leave my house, didn't hang out with people and just prayed for half an hour. From that prayer (aka God), I was able to know how to specifically encourage 4-5 people who were on my mind. This may be old news to you, but to my "go go go" self/doormat/extrovert/insecure self- it's amazing. This is definitely not something I'm "cured" of, but at least I'm taking steps.

My next risk/step/chance is to work on my anxiety with flying. I want to fly. I want to go to Norway. I want to be able to visit my Papa in Chicago. I want to visit the east coast, where Natalie and Bonnie are. I want to be able to fly home, instead of forking over extra money to rent a car, or giving up an extra day of work so I can take the train. I want the option of moving out of state or out of country and being able to easily visit family. So my first step is to tell people, so they can hold me accountable. I've been resisting work on this for so long, because I'm afraid of failure. Sure, if it's all me, failure is a possibility. But where is my leap of faith? Or even step? Or even typing up the words I've been so hesistant to share?

Finally Complete: a blogpost that hops about and makes little sense as to how it all relates.

I had thought to create these embroidered portraits for Tyler and Jessica for one of their monthly wedding presents in September(I am sending them a small present once a month for the first year of their marriage), but because of so many factors... they became their December/Christmas gifts.

No matter the circumstances, or how late completion comes: I am happy that I completed it. Being someone who comes up with more ideas that time to execute them, I am always pleased when I am able to focus long enough on one project to finish it. Even blog posts, while writing this post, I seriously bounced around from facebook, to gmail, to someone else's blog and then remembered that I had a blog post to complete (or else life is just too ironic).

As soon as I have completed something creative, I must give it away. I just don't want all that time and energy to be only for myself, I think. I've kept a beanie, a pair of wrist warmers and one box art piece that I made for last year's Creativity Workshop with ReImagine- and that was mostly because I had hot glued one of dad's watches to it and I can't bear to part with anything of his that really reminds me of him.

The Creativity Workshop is starting up next Tuesday, January 12th- it was my first workshop with reimagine and January was my first month living in San Francisco. This time around, I'm helping facilitate the workshop! Rereading my daily journal entries about this workshop it's amazing how much I have grown in a year. Even Melody has noticed and encouraged the confidence that has developed.

Tonight at the poetry night with the ReImagine ladies, after the discussion and writing, we went around and shared prayer requests. For the first time in a long time, I found myself speechless and without some pressing urge. And I realized that I am being given a break, who knows for how long, from all the different trials and brutal knock-downs that have happened fairly consistently for the last three years. So I'm going to try to enjoy this lull and pursue God, not because I'm knocked on my ass, but because I love him and know that he is the only reason I've developed this new found strength and confidence. Don't misread me on this, I am nowhere near even seeing completion... it's funny that a discussion of an embroidery project has brought me to this paragraph.

I wrote on the last page of my creativity workshop book art piece: "Like this book, I am a work in progress." And I firmly believe that this lull is simply a new exercise, a new and different lens to which I am going to be challenged.

I will complete this blog, I swear. Even if the paragraphs don't seem to tie together. I cannot not complete a blog post on completion.

I want to write more, I want to share the thoughts, feelings, experiences I am having. I want to continue to be a hopelessly open book for the sake of encouraging and loving. I want to contribute.

I want to share my family's Christmas photo around the tree:

This trip home for the holidays was amazing- everything happened in it's best-case scenario and I am so thankful for my time laughing so hard I cried, playing poker with M&Ms, watching the Hangover with my mom's commentary in the background, having vodka gimlets with my stepdad, going to thrift stores/pet stores/etc with my little sister, giving Tyler and Jess the embroidered portraits in person and seeing Tyler fist pump the air out of joy, talking to Natalie about coming home and how so much has changed and remained the same, going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service with Tori and being moved by how quickly the room lit up by each candle passing light to the next. There's more but now I really want to make sure this completion blog is completed!

Fin

The Top 10 Albums of 2009

1.) "Bitte Orca" Dirty Projectors


2.) "Veckatimest" Grizzly Bear


3.) "Merriweather Post Pavilion" Animal Collective


4.) "Middle Cyclone" Neko Case


5.) "March of the Zapotec" Beirut


6.) "Dark Was the Night" Compilation of Many Incredible Artists


7.) "Dragonslayer" Sunset Rubdown


8.) "Blood Bank" Bon Iver


9.) "Manners" Passion Pit


10.) "Noble Beast" Andrew Bird


Albums that probably would've been contenders if I had bought them (or if I music shared), that I plan to buy in 2010:
"Hospice" by the Antlers (I have one song from this album "Kettering" and it KILLS me. So good!)


"I and Love and You" by the Avett Brothers (I love them, so much)


"Logos" by Atlas Sound (Everyone is raving about this solo project of his, and I do love his band Deerhunter, so I need to get on this)



Also...here's a great blog list of Top Albums:
http://www.bestalbumsof2009.com/

23 to 24

23- I'm only able to relate to this song for 4 more days!

After this weekend and looking to this week and it's significant milestones, I think today 11/23 would be a good pre-birthday reflection day. This weekend was full of affirmation of who I am, who I am becoming and who I am in community with. And all I can do is look to God, because He is the only reason why so many amazing things have happened. Earlier in the month, it had been an area of ego: Look how much I have grown, Look at the person I want to be, etc.

But as I am awakened to reality, I realize how small I am:

This weekend trip to Santa Cruz marked the anniversary (off by a week or so) of me leaving Santa Cruz last year. This time last year, I was depressed, clingy, needy and completely a doormat. But being back in SC, having healing and affirming conversations, I realize how much strength and confidence and (strong) love God has given me. I feel in a much firmer place to love, encourage, exhort. Lots of little details (that I can't share in a public blog forum, but ask me in person about it if you want) fit together into a larger God-planned event, for which I am extremely thankful. My brutally honest friend, who knew the really insecure Dani, says it's like night and day, the person I've become.

Besides my return to Santa Cruz, I was able to attend an IJM movie screening on Friday and help host a fundraising dinner on Sunday. Being around so many people who have a heart for social justice and seeing community built around this desire was incredible. Everything in its Right Place- a feeling of "Yes, this is where I am supposed to be." Not some delusion of "perfection," but just happy and not feeling lost (ike I did last year).

So for the 24th year, I was originally going to plan and make goals for myself. But being the utter control freak that I am- I think that NOT making goals will be more challenging for me, and gives much more room for God to change me. I just need to trust change is going to come, and I just have to be open to it.

It's amazing that this was only a year ago: http://adanirayperspective.blogspot.com/2008/11/23-year-of-transition.html

Even Jon says it feels like its been longer than a year since I left. But tomorrow marks my one year with Jossey-Bass/Wiley and Friday I turn 24.